There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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