Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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