I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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