five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
