apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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