Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
