I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
