The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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