Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Can you bring me the toilet please
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
