haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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