Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
