I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Dicks are not precious.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
