she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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