apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
