I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
