i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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