my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
