you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
