who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
