Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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