Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She's the barista slut.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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