It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
