Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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