Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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