Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
