I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Shame - the story of my life.
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