I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
