well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
i now understand why vodka
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
