I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Randomize
