So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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