i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
