i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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