mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
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Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
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Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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