Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
