I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Alive.
So much puke
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
