Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
