I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
