Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
