By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
