Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
