fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
