At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
