I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I am midnight drunk by noon
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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