Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
