omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
