I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
