she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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