I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
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I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
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College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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