so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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