Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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