This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
i think my cat just said my name.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
