Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
