so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
