It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
