if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
