I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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