I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
