I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
