The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
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There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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