my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
