God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
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You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Liz is crying about burritos again.
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I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?