hey, what are you doing tonight?
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child