Dude i fell asleep inside of her
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?